Grist Town: Your gate. Your town. Your tawdry details.

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist


Duchess of the Dastardly
“Experience teaches many to never trust an Imperial. Just when you think one’s alright, they turn legit.”

That might as well be the motto for the 13th Division of the Army of the Covenant (patent pending). Lead by the so-called Duchess of the Dastardly, a woman feared for her rending rifle and terrifying telekinetic talent. Many would consider her quiet or unassuming at first glance, but that’s exactly what a tactical mastermind would want you to think. While everyone knows that soldiers are their own special breed, think for a moment on an entire division filled with zealous criminals. These zealous criminals are armed with the best and most expensive armor and weaponry HME has to offer. Are you scared yet? Well, don’t be! Thanks to the Duchess of the Dastardly, the only thing we have to fear from this group of ne’er-do-wells is rough language and funny smells…as long as you don’t make her angry.

In recent months, the 13th has been seen embarking on missions on Vohu, a known Haven for scum and villainy, on the Yazatas home world, turning over every leaf in the course of their investigations, and even performing covert actions on Naraka, hoping that things don’t get too hot for them. The rumor mill has it that the 13th is on a missing persons hunt, searching for not one, but many people. These missing persons are of great concern to the Empire, and woe to those who stand in the way of the Duchess and her men. A figure of intense mystery, the FNF has only begun to scratch the surface of who the Duchess is truly.

The Duchess was born during a low orbit drop over the planet Jord. It was said that the entire labor took place while her parents were waiting to deploy their chutes and that by the time they were ready to do so, the Duchess was already asking for a cigar and cursing so much it was making the priest blush. She learned to wield an assault rifle at the age of five, when her next door neighbor attempted to take her dolly. A close source says that the Duchess mounted a full out assault on her neighbors that resulted not only in the return of the doll, but her family gaining six more feet of yard space, and a percentage of the income of the doll-thief’s father paying to replace the fence that was torn apart by the Duchess’s armor piercing rounds. Her telekinetic ability manifested at age eleven, when local bully Molly Turnbaum took her Sanja Huron lunch box. Local authorities received reports of a crying girl suspended in the air by the galaxy’s most impressive wedgie.

As a teenager, the Duchess lied about her age and joined the Imperial Army, already looking for a way to kill as a many people as possible for a cause she believed in. While everyone knew she was only fourteen, people were already too frightened of her to speak of it out loud. At the age of seventeen she was brought before a military tribunal for bodyslamming a Keretian Death Lizard on top of her commanding officer. When she was only twenty-two she was awarded the Meritorious Service in Gold for fashioning a shiv out of the thigh bone of a slain comrade and saving the rest of her platoon from a ravaging Terrordon in the jungle of Erlik. For the last several years she’s been stationed on the planet of Eclipse, though her actions have been kept secret for one reason or another. However, the galaxy should sleep soundly. If the Duchess is involved, you know that you are in good hands.

Love Is In the Air

The social event of the season will soon be upon us as Baron Sword-and-Wolf is set to marry the Lovely Librarian. That’s right ladies, Gate Town’s most eligible, and grumpy, bachelor is off the market. While it remains a matter of mystery as to how he escaped the spindly web of the Black Widow of Middian, everyone seems to be asking, “What can I get the man who hates or has everything?”

To help, we here at FNF have put together a friendly list to help the shopping impaired.

1. Cash. Look, we’ve all heard the people of House Sword-and-Wolf say “House Sword-and-Wolf needs money!” This is frequently one of their mottos. The rest of them aren’t fit to print. In most cases it would be considered crass to simply give a gift of cash at such an event, but crass is the new couture.

2. People. We here at the FNF do not counsel nor condone kidnapping someone to then gift them to the happy couple. However, if you have a fourth cousin that always embarrasses you at the family re-u, or a sister that drinks too much, or even a friend that always talks about how good looking they are, even though they aren’t that good looking and you are embarrassed to go to the store with them, then you might want to consider donating them. In service to the good Baron, they would be cleaned, fed, and be able to run and play out in the open. Probably. We assume anyway.

3. Swords. These should only presented ceremonially or left wrapped on the gift table. Imperial weddings are steeped in ceremony and tradition, and you can be sure that most everyone is packin’. It’s just not an Imperial event without being armed. If you attempted to present the Lovely-Librarian or the good Baron with a sword, it might be awkward. Just be careful.

4. Wolves. This is a no brainer. Baron Sword-and-Wolf is well known for wanting a pack of cybernetic attack wolves. You don’t have to supply the cybernetics in the wolf beforehand. That would be double gifting. A dragon wolf is a less than ideal gift, but as long as it can be cybernetically altered, and is house trained, then it will do in a pinch.

5. Some sort of tank. That seems pretty awesome to us here at the FNF.

6. Bees. Bees are a very responsible present. They not only help the environment flourish, but also produce honey, wax, royal jam, and honey wine. In the event that war is declared, they can also be weaponized into war bees.

7. Doilies. The frillier the better.

Hopefully this list proves useful! Remember, the bride and groom are registered at the Naraka Energy Rifle Foundry, Black Star, Blue Light, S.K.V.W. and Nog’s Grog Wholesale.

Gossip Scraps:
• Sources have seen the Black Widow of Middian arguing with several men during a relaxing trip to a secluded hunting preserve. Is the body count about to start piling?

• New hot neighborhood? The Lotus was seen getting cozy with some of the local wild life and was overheard having plans to move in for the winter. The area is already being dubbed Hunting Town, because Gate Town residents are clever.

• Snickersnac’s latest adventure is learning to write love poems that all incorporate the word “prey”, and “spay” is off the table.

• X, a certain saucy sprite, was seen going into the back room of Quad Portals for an extended period of time, during which chanting and flashing lights were observed. Afterwards, several people were seen emerging from the room, all with blood on their faces. We don’t know what happened, but it had to have been amazing.

• Pulpiteer was seen acting as the voice of reason during the forgotten people’s night of pleasure, acting as a chaperone and disappearing into the cabin of one of the most notorious women on Middian.

• Yeti sightings in Atlantis are at an all time high, spiking to one

• Rumors of a giant beast with tree trunk like nose and a brain for psionics have been circulating. Butch Thompson is paying a high ransom for the leg of the beast to be made into a trash can, and for the tusks to be used to make him a “new shoutin’ horn”.

• A silicate scientist has been seen making claims to “Make your cybernetics rock hard with just one dose of his juice.” There have been no takers.

• The super-double-secret boy toy of Lyre expressed disappointed upon seeing his lady love’s new weapon of choice. It’s a lot of live up to when it’s measured in acres, not inches.

• Baron Glow-Gun Gambler has been all abuzz as of late. Has he caught a bug?

• In an act truly indicative of Gate Town, an elaborate trap was set outside of what’s called the “arc terminus”. It managed to incapacitate the one friendly person to come through the gate.

• Both Silver Alloy and Displays-His-Abs are in mourning, as their fate-filled females are no longer present. They are both seeking comfort in Sharkzors hair.

• Looking for love? One of the noble women of Atlantis is seeking a suitor. Heard of those familial crystal shields? The fastest way is through her heart.

• Kills-With-Her-Mind is now so powerful that others fall asleep when she nods off. Look out when she has the hiccups.

• Empathic Cyborg Web Guide has been seen talking to himself and persisting in delusions of grandeur. Has he caught the cyborg virus that FNF previously mentioned?

• Dirty Doctors 3: Antivenom has become the highest grossing vid of all time, finally surpassing Manifestation. The top five now stand as Dirty Doctors 3, Manifestation, Colossal, Harold Tinker and the Expiring Santification, and Reconfigurers: Shade of the Planet.

FNF Exclusive - Leaked copy of Tractus Lupus Newest Hit!

EXCLUSIVE! Only for FNF Readers

By TalkFast


It has been almost three years since the mysterious disappearance of Tractus Lupus front man Jackson Howl, and while some fans have mourned, others followed closely the rumors (as seen in the FNF article "Feral or Front Man?") that the pugilistic performer is still alive, but in hiding.

Now more evidence has surfaced that perhaps this slumming sabbatical may have inspired new musical genius. The Fringe Newsfeed staff could not confirm that authenticity of this recording, but the possibility was just too exciting NOT to share with our readers immediately!

FNF headquarters recently received a battered envelope containing an unregistered audio mini-drive and the following letter:

Some poor soul (who has likely now lost his job) left an mp3 player in the Floating Vagabond. On this mp3 player was a brand new track from Tractus Lupus new upcoming album! We figured as the most reliable source of news in the galaxy, that you'd appreciate a copy.

The song wasn't listed by a title on the player, but it does repeat Sexy Ladies quite a bit, so that's what we're all calling it. Just like other works from Tractus Lups, this gem doesn't let you down. Driving beats and a smooth hook that shows the more bluesy side of one Jackson Howl.

Sincerely,
Anonymous FNF fan

So listen up, all you fans of Jackson Howl, and then speak up in the comments. Authentic masterpiece? Shoddy Hoax? Or something else altogether?

SHOW US YOUR CARDS

Win Fabulous Prize(s)!
By TalkFast

Recently a set of fourteen mysterious cards were found on Eclipse. The "Suit of Journalism" was previously thought to be only a legend, but now it seems to have surfaced and fallen into the hands of some of our own readers!

(FNF recently received an anonymous transmission of card images, displayed below)

To commemorate this startling event, the Fringe Newsfeed is proud to announce our "Show Us Your Cards" competition.

To enter, send us a photo of yourself with one of our cards, or (if you don't have one) with your own interpretation of what the cards might look like. Photos may be sent alone, or with accompanying text explaining how acquiring this card has changed/improved/ruined your life (or with any other subject so long as the card is mentioned.)

Entries will be posted to the site, and judged by our carefully selected panel of professional journalists and amateur journalists. The lucky contributor of the best entry will be selected to receive a full PR campaign from the FNF, including a feature article about your life, and many other VALUABLE PRIZES.*

No limit on the number of entries per person, or on the number of entries per card. Employees of the FNF are not eligable to enter unless they use a pseudonym with which we are unfamiliar. Some restrictions may apply. Offer not valid in Zigani space.
*"Valuable Prizes" pending Corporate Sponsorship.

Webways: Latest Victim of Civilization?

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

Are the Webways the next victim of rapid population growth? In a galaxy where entire city-planets lay in waste and ruin, the Webways have always been thought of as the streets that never need cleaning. While they weren't a place of safety, necessarily, you could be certain that you wouldn't have to find an injury lawyer to handle your attempted vehicular manslaughter case or have to pick up trash along the route. In the last year, that perception has been shattered, in the worst ways possible. Several months ago, a reporter with the FNF first reported on the so-called "Death Train" that smashed into the Gate of Taranis, all but decimating the entry way to the Web, and leaving people without a sense of safety, as rumors of a heavy weapons payload on the train continues to circulate. While safety itself is an ellusive concept on Taranis, this episode tossed the entire population into turmoil, with several rallies asking Rama to "Secure the Ways to the Future", and vigilante groups patrolling the area to...look for stray trains...we guess. To make matters worse, the presence of Imperial soldiers caused even further political disquiet, as the sheen of the anti-Empire statements were called into question yet again.

If the threat of giant trains of death weren't enough, now travelers must contend with stray trash in the ways as well! Reports coming in from across the galaxy have people discovering old pieces of paper, strange weaponry and even bizarre playing cards. FNF has managed to find one of these bizarre cards, in the hope of getting to the bottom of this galactic trash scandal. Current theories by experts place the cards as an elaborate marketing scheme by the underground Fringe-Rock group Ways to Her Heart, and the group is not disputing the claims, though they are not confirming reports, either. Ways to Her Heart are currently touring with Tractus Lupus, with a week of upcoming shows on Naraka before departing to Meurlain space.

This is the bizarre card found in the Ways, part of the rash of pollution ongoing in the Web. If you have any information on polluted state of the Ways, please contact FNF as soon as possible.

Scandalous Vid Poster Released!

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

The Fringe Newsfeed has obtained a special pre-release copy of the new promotional vid from XXX producer Hugo Johnson. In an exclusive interview, Johnson told FNF that "While names had to be changed for legal reasons, this is absolutely a true story, just as with the previous Dirty Doctors entries, Bootycamp and Siliconquest. We take great pride in our authenticity. Our audience demands nothing less".

Imperial, Fringe, Tribe and Meurlain PR firms have been reported to already attempting to contact the real life analog of these Adult Actors.

NEWS REVIEW UPDATE

Latest from all sources

By FNF Staff

IMPERIAL SPACE - The Imperials continue their civil war. The grand army of the Imperium is steadily capturing strongpoints from mutant-friendly house Huron and its allies. It seems like they are unstoppable as they move to invade Taiowa, home of house Huron.

OTTAR - The tech-industry planet of Ottar has sent ambassadors to major fringe and tribes worlds to promote their claimed heir to the imperial throne. Taranis, Naraka, Erlik, Vairya, Asha, Neith, and Lethe have all received ambassadors. All are reported to bear similar messages:

"You are not our enemy. The emperor on Ottar is interested in sending a message of peace to the rest of the galaxy. He does not expect, or want, the tribes or fringe worlds to become involved in internal Imperial conflicts. But he intends to bring about a new galactic peace once he gains control of the Imperium. The galaxy does not need to be divided now, when prophecy seems to indicate that the robots may be returning within the decade. The galaxy must stand united. Victory should mean a new golden age, not a continuation of the hate and distrust that has done so much to degrade all sentient life."

FRINGE SPACE

NARAKA- Last minute upset, as Nadia Solarii becomes Chair of the Board of Naraka. While considered a contender, her chances of overthrowing Orpheon were viewed as low. She drew many voters because of her fresh ideas about business, and her popularity was boosted by the celebrity of her daughter Tamin, of pit fighting and adventure-blog fame.
This reporter also wonders whether previous FNF coverage of this election helped the voters avoid a much worse choice.

Also in Naraka news, a church has been started to the Imperial god Ehieh. Most seem to accept the new church, as long as they don't try to tell the Fringers who they should worship and how. Their founding pastor had these words. "Now is the time for all men to unite against the darkness. Be they Human, Mutant, Cyborg, or Meurlain. May the Enemy flee at the sight of our collective light."

VAJRA - The Gate has re-emerged from the storms and trade has resumed as normal. Neith and Kagome Shipping have renewed discussion for architects to design underwater cities capable of sustaining human life.
See also: Nautical Oddity or Cursed Seas and Doomed Ships...

ERLIK - President and former freedom-fighter Gunn is rumored to be leaving the planet to attend a trade delegation, but the location is unconfirmed.

GYMIR - Search Parties have returned to the Gate. Of the eight major teams which searched Gymir, seven have returned to the Gate. They report a few scattered survivors. Most of the survivors have returned with the searchers, although some few still live out on the ice. This once important world stands almost entirely abandoned. Some speak of returning one day. With new technology, and new finds to exploit. Some few hundred are expected to remain and rebuild a gate village. But for now, it looks like their only real export is ice.
See also: Tragedy on Gymir and Gmir Access Re-Opens to read the shocking account of Zigani treachery!

TARANIS - King Rama reports that Imperial refugees have successfully been settled across the planet.
Noted business man Cyan Lucas was found dead this afternoon, his many business ventures were left to his fellow council members in his will.

VAITARANI - The economy of Vaitarani has taken a serious hit as one of the warehousing districts that employed a significant portion of the inhabitants of the gate city was recently destroyed. This district employed weapon smiths, bio-engineering research, and complex computer programming. The loss of these high paying jobs has left many skilled Fringers looking for work.

VRITRA - Freak rainshowers dumped hundreds of tons of water on parched soil. Locals have been quoted saying it is the end of the world.

TRIBES SPACE - The Tribes economy is still improving. Trade has been flourishing. The Midir and Nasu seem to have benefited the most from the increased trade, but the other Tribes are doing quite well. Lowered tariff rates have received much of the credit, especially on a number of goods that had previously not been marketable on a galactic scale.

HAVEN -The political situation on Haven, or Vohu, is deteriorating rapidly. There are a hundred factions, and no one can agree on how to share power. Fighting is breaking out, and some predict that it will go the way of Pre-Rama Taranis. Many corporations are either fleeing, or digging in. It seems a contradiction that as the hope of peace fades, the economy flourishes. But a huge surge in construction is employing huge numbers, and everyone seems to be hiring. What you might have to do for that paycheck remains to be seen.

VAIRYA - Another great event for the Jemshid Games. The last few years have seen demand rise for footage of the Jemshid Games. Slick marketing and more entertaining formats are drawing more people to attend, and better vid sales. What a fine display of Kshathran might, speed, agility, endurance, and will.

TRITA - The Midir Bank announced today that it has completed its 12 year goal, in ten years. They have Banks on every major planet across the Fringe and Tribes space, except for Gymir. They are even in talks to open branches on Tokpela and Atira, although this still seems unlikely.

KERET- Despite good relations with the Dahhak, the ruling body of the Aeshma are holding out committing any more mercenaries to the civil war on Asha. Exactly where they expect to use those companies is unknown. Entire clans, or Jaati, of Aeshma already occupy many significant places on Asha.

ASHA - Civil war erupts again on Asha. Violent fighting has broken out across the planet, and on many Dahhak colonies. The Abolitionists made a raid on the main slave pens in the gate city to free recently caught slaves, but were apprehended by Power and Labor. Strike teams to retrieve them have so far been unsuccessful.

Also, noted mining company on Asha's moon goes out of business, Sellik inc. was a family owned business that thrived at extracting minerals. Seven generations worked mines for iron, copper, and silver. What they really excelled at was at finding the rare and valuable minerals among the tons of ore. But a growing reputation for unreliable parts, and broken promises, caused their business to plummet.

LETHE - Yazataform Inc. reports a significant advance in planet shaping technology. They plan to announce the nature of their discovery at the Tadrakan conference, the top annual meeting of the Planets brightest minds in Biotechnology and Video Game Design. The parties are expected to be phenomenal. And the announcement will be the top of the bill. In other news, Umber Tamarisk has been apprehended on Haven by Yazata agents. The notorious child murderer has been one of Lethe's most wanted for long enough.

NEITH - Due to the sudden outbreak of previously calmed hostilities in Outland Space, the Nasu are once again sending out diplomats to Haven and Asha to try and calm the fighting. The Voice made a public announcement stating: "It is the Will of the Gods that their Children abide in peace amongst each other. War only weakens our strength, when we may be challenged. We need to be so much more than we are."

MEURLAIN SPACE

OGUN - New developments in web research from the Eclipse Research Station indicate the likely hood of vacuum existing outside the Ways that could conceptually be used to direct space ships. Scientists are gathering at the University to research this concept and provide specifications for conceptual space ship design.

PATALA - Non-violent sit ins have erupted on Patala in response to the Tactics Conference hosted by Tulku Li Wei. The leaderless movement feels that the treatment of wainwrights within the Imperium is unfair to Webguides across the galaxy.

LOST MEMBER OF THE IMPERIAL BLOODLINE?

Nikolaevna Image Consultancy says, “Maybe it’s YOU!”

By TalkFast

The current controversies caused by the death (or departure?) of Holy Empress Gheverie have started a buzz of rumors that the *true* heir to the Imperial Throne is still out there... somewhere.

Ambitious hopefuls from Imperial mansions to the most humble fringe colonies begin to ask themselves if there could be some secret in their own heritage, but few of these potential claimants have the know-how to present their claim. Now, a new corporation, Nikolaevna Image Consultancy, has offered its services to these potential Emperors or Empresses.

“We don’t make any judgement about the veracity of a claim, of course.” NIC founder and CEO, “Anna” Nikolaevna explained, in an exclusive FNF interview. “That is for history, destiny and Eheih to decide. What we do offer is an all-inclusive personalized package of Wardrobe and Appearance Re-Envisioning, Comportment and Composure Training, Legal and Genealogy consulting, Media Management and, of course, Personal Security.”

“Discretion and confidentiality are also very important,” Nikolaevna added, “We assign NIC coordinating agents to each client and assure that they never cross paths with any other client, unless the two have agreed in advance to schedule a conference, debate or honor duel.”

When the Fringe Newsfeed inquired about the cost of Nikolaevna Image Consultancy services, the CEO declined to discuss specifics, adding “This is a matter of solemn patriotism and devotion to our Empire, and it would be crass to talk about money in that context.”