Grist Town: Your town. Your gate. Your tawdry details.

The End of the World as We Know It

Robots stand on the blood-drenched shores of an otherwise serene beach, while a once decadent resort burns in the distance. Refugees are being evacuated from their temporary homes and standing firm in the face of a devastating offensive. Men, women, and symbiotic collections of microorganisms stand firm in the face of certain death. Middian waits for the storms of war to crash fully into its heady shores. The time for doubt and uncertainty have passed, and the people of Middian only have a single burning question upon their lips, one of those timeless questions which drives the actions of the people of Gatetown.

“How can I best leverage this situation into having more sex?”

Look, we get it. Nothing makes you feel more alive than your imminent demise. What other activity reminds you of being alive in quite the same way? Ok, sure, freestyle Narakan Lava Spider riding, but precious few others. It’s only natural. Well, except for the Aeshma. I mean, they are a collective right? I guess it’s more like secession than reproduction in their case. Probably something like a toenail falls off and then grows into another one or something. You know what? I’m getting off point here, let’s back up.

People who have a lot of sex are relaxed. Relax people are less tense. People who are less tense make less mistakes. People who make less mistakes probably won’t make a crucial error that results in the destruction of humanity. It’s in humanity’s best interests that everyone is “traveling through the gate” as much as possible. At this point I am sure you are saying, “FNF, I have a hard time finding people interested in ‘docking the Vagabond’ with me. How can I make that happen?”

You are lucky, gentlereader, we are here to help. Here are some approaches to make sure that “the underways are traversed” as frequently as possible in the next few days.  One thing to remember here is that all advice given here is Quantum in nature. If you try and measure our success rate, your invariably change the outcome. It’s on you.

I have nothing left of home...except you

Far away from your planet of origin? No problem! Odds are that someone on Middian shares that home planet with you. Find them, and start reminiscing. Your friends, your family, your favorite bar, and your secret crush you never told anyone you loved...until you share this in a moment of “raw honesty”. Be sure to choke up a little at this point, not much, no one likes a crybaby, but maybe just a little tightening of the vocal cords, a slight turn away, or a big breath after stopping for a second. Then, stare deep into your potential partner eyes and say, “I have nothing left of home...except you”.

Unless they have had their feels cybernetically replaced, or have that new insensitivity mutation, you’re probably going to be cleared to “knock a few electrons off the ol’ atom”.

I fight...for you

Now, this one is a little harder (heh heh heh). Odds are that your other battlemates have spent some time around you, but there’s always the chance that this once can work, especially if you do it while wounded. I’m not talking a sucking chest wound, but you know, a quickly healed arm, or better yet, an injured leg. You can take your prospective partner’s hand in your’s and start up a conversation about the horrors of war. Don’t panic, it gets better from there. While you are healing, ask them to stay with you and then steer the conversation about why you chose to continue fighting. Take their hand in your’s, you can shortcut this a little by asking them to check the wound as you think it reopened,  and then whisper, “Why do I fight? I fight...for you”. Then, you should probably smolder.

Afterwards, you should invite them back to your bunk for some “physical therapy”.

Last Night on Middian

The good news about having a world destroying invasion force on the way to your planet is that every single night might literally be your last night on world. That might sound like terrible news, but it affords the use of the closest thing to a sure thing, the use of the phrase “this might be our last night on <insert planet name>”. It’s basically intergalactic code for “let’s skip this bullshit and get to the freaky space sex”. It’s not subtle. It’s not nuanced. Everyone knows what the score is when you break this bad boy out. Luckily, everyone is looking to score. The best news about a long weekend with lots of threats? Multiple last nights on Middian. Really, what’s better than multiples?

It’s an age old fact. Knockin’ space boots is good for the soul. How do you people get so much access to the Quantum Sea? They have exceptional...souls. Don’t take it from us, though. For the final word on the matter I turn it over to the wisdom of my boy JA1.

“Knock all the space boots that you are able. Revel in it. Do not mistake the might of knockin’ space boots for being less than what it is. It was knockin’ space boots that saved us. It was knockin’ space boots that made us strong. Know, with absolute certainty, that the choice between knockin’ space boots and victory is a false choice. For what victory can there be without the knockin’ of space boots?”

Top Ten Reasons to Keep Fighting

by Tom Topptin - FNF Staff

Hello readers. I’m Tom Topptin, Fringe News Feed staffer. My column is usually one of our Top Ten lists of tips to make your lives better. For the past year though, I’ve been traveling the Fringe helping to cover the conflicts throughout our galaxy, first with the Zygani, and then with the current war with the robots.

My fellow sentients, I have seen some terrible things, but I have also seen the best that the universe can offer: Imperial and Fringer working together to dig out survivors of a Zygani raid. Meurlain and Tribesfolk fending off the horrors of the Ways to evacuate civilians from soon to be robot playgrounds. Young people volunteering their bodies, hands, and minds to aid the efforts to rebuild, reload, and resupply. Whole races willing to sacrifice themselves and their homeworld to buy the rest of us time.

The universe is full of all sorts of people: good, bad, and indifferent. These trying times tend to bring out the good in all of us. That in mind, I present to you the Top Ten Reasons to Keep Fighting.

1. Stand By Your Man or Woman or Slug or Plant or... The robots and their drones do NOT care what you look like, or who you call Boss. They only care about grinding your squishy face into the ground with their giant robotic feet...forever. We are all in this war whether we like it or not, so let’s act like grown ups and make this happen.

2. Lock and Load The factories of our worlds churn forth more and more guns, ammunition, armor, blades, and all the other implements of war every day. However, the armies in the field can’t resupply without someone to load them into boxes, lock them on to the transports, and make sure that no warrior dies because his or her weapon didn’t pass basic inspection. We have the technology, we need YOU.

3. Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures This is It. The Big One. The Last Round Up. Final Call at the Station. Seriously, if the universe loses this one, kiss it all goodbye. We can’t stop until it’s over, or we’re over. Ya Dig?

4. Big Damn Heroes Every day, more and more people are waking up to the fact that they can do amazing things if they put their mind to it. Who’s to say you won’t be pushed to your limits, only to discover a deep well of awesome inside yourself? Or if not, at least you can say you helped.

5. A Reason To Come Home When all this is over, it will be time to rebuild and start over...and that means lots of opportunity to reinvent yourself for a new era. Regret being a giant jerk? Help rebuild something and do some good for others. It’ll cure what ails ya.

6. The Clothes Make the Sentient With so many uniforms and other equipment being made, now is the time for all you budding fashionistas to shine! Create a new look to strike fear (or at least confusion) into the soulless metallic hearts of our adversaries. They wouldn't know couture if it hit them in the diodes!

7. Opportunity Knocks Ever felt like you couldn’t make a difference? Well, now you can in a BIG way. Everyone can contribute to this effort to Keep Us From Being Completely Wiped Out Forever, and everyone is needed. You’ll meet new friends, learn useful skills, travel to exotic places (that may or may not exist later) and wreck a bunch of machines that want nothing more than to mix margaritas on your grave. It’s like the Graduate School of Hard Knocks!

8. Cardio In the Grim Darkness of the Present, there is a LOT of running. Always with the running. If you live through this, you may very well be in the best shape of your life. So that’s something to look forward to.

9. Singin’ In The Ways As a morale booster, our brave fighting force has taken up singing during the heat of battle. This has caught on throughout the Universe as people of every culture, race, and profession burst into song at every opportunity. Add your glorious (or at least enthusiastic) voice to the chorus, especially when you are travelling the Web. Song makes the place seem less cold and more warm. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a contract out of it with some big shot producer!

10. News You Can Use Turn to trusted information sources to keep abreast of happenings in YOUR area! Stay tuned to the Fringe News Feed and your local feeds for the latest information on local calls to arms, public announcements, and the situation throughout the galaxy!

My fellow readers, it has been an honor and a privilege to serve you during these trying times. I, for one, am going to do my part to keep the news coming to everyone. I encourage you to do the same. This is Tom Topptin, Fringe News Feed Staff. I bid you good night.

Grist Town: Your town. Your gate. Your tawdry details.

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

Vajra: For your future, for your children

With it’s gentle rolling waves, brilliant sunsets, enticing seafood, historic seaside villages filled with individualistic characters, and state-of-the-art underwater utopias, Vajra has something to offer everyone. One of the newest and most prosperous regions in the Fringe, it is divided between the historic landside old world, and the new, unique ocean-faring cities, each one unique, but between them telling their own story of this enchanting and beguiling area.

Vajra is, without doubt, one of the most enigmatic regions of the Grind. It offers work and culture in abundance, thanks to the vast investments and dedication of the Kagome Corporation. With the traditionally harsh environments of Vajra, such as storms and giant city destroying aquatic monstrosities, no longer a threat now that the ocean depths have been conquered and tamed, peace and prosperity that are a premium elsewhere in the galaxy are close at hand.

Vajran cuisine, say by many to be the best in the galaxy, has undergone a renaissance thanks to Kagome innovations. With the recent abundance of high-powered explosives, LASER cutting torches, and Plasma Drill Cannons, even the toughest exoskeletons of cryptozoological monstrosities are no more of a challenge to prepare than using a vibrospoon to properly separate lobstrosity butter. Vajran dishes are simplicity itself, using only the most dangerous of ingredients, enhanced by strong destructive tendencies. Whether your taste buds crave the rare Asharkalypse liver found in most areas of the oceans, or the simple Excoriating Sea Leech swarm, drizzled with murderberry oil and rubbed with supra-garlic, you can be assured that dining in the region will be an absolute delight.

Whether you choose to stay in one of the pioneer Kagome haven-cities of Enlightenment, Tradition, or Inspiration, or one of the latest engineering marvels such as Prosperity, you can be guaranteed that Kagome and Vajra is the safest place you can be, either for a vacation or a long term residence.

Web paths to Vajra are available all year. It is well served by the Fringe web guides, as well as many Meurlain. Traveling into Vajra is one of the safest trips you can possibly make. Our paths and nodes are Chill and Shiver free, and do not face any of the hinderance or destruction by the robotic onslaught facing the rest of the galaxy.

Vajra: The future of tomorrow, today!

*This has been a paid advertisement by the Kagome Corporation*

Gossip Scraps

• Chickens aren’t the only thing that come home to roost, so do Ravens
• Recent public announcements coming out of Lethe sound very similar to those announcements from Vajra. Is the same PR firm involved with both planets? Is this the start of a corporate hegemony?
• Record numbers of genetically varied individuals have been seen flocking to Vaitarani, seeking not only high hazard pay, but a chance to roll around in the toxic waste before it is disposed of. Glowing results have been reported.
• A soul can only be folded in half exactly three times.
• The Taiowa Chamber of Commerce has voted to change their planetary slogan from Taiowa: Life’s a Beach to Taiowa: Life’s a  Breach
• Baron Glow-Gun-Gambler has been heard to have acquired yet another glowing gun. When asked about this, he was heard to say, “I have two hands”.
• Empathic Cyborg has a new outlook on life. After holding a yardsale for his guyliner stockpiles, he was seen entering a tattoo parlor asking about a cybernetic butterfly.
• Pulpiteer is making his fellow gin-and-gunslingers green with envy. Seen holding a bright green gun in one hand and a tumbler in the other, shouting “Freedom!” before each shot.
• The Lotus of Middian has recently been approached to headline Middian Weekly’s new “Hot Moms of Middian” summer issue after placing highly in a straw poll.
• Death by Chocolate is a legitimate concern on Middian. The FTU is now issuing travel warnings about the “dangers of quantum cocoa”.
• Recently discovered Deadly Dagger wielder heard to opine “it’s not the size that counts”. Wielder of the Glorious Spear of Victorious Victory still recovering from laughing exhaustion.
• In a public ceremony, Seeker has officially accepted the Imperial position of Lord Chancellor of Sexy Times and Getting Down. College themed vid production skyrockets following rumors of official training and schools for companions.
• I met her in a fight at a cold dark gate, her soul been possessed by an ancient hate, LOLA. L-O-L-A, LOLA.

Grist Town: Your gate. Your town. Your tawdry details.

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

FNF Exclusive: Interview with an Empire 

The truth...unmasked!

 It’s a secret to everybody. At least, it was before FNF managed to track down the person we believe to now carry the Light of Eheih within them, and sit him down for an interview. As a disclaimer, we are not stating that this person is definitively male or female, but simply using the masculine tense for this interview as to avoid confusion, as the last person to carry the Light of Eheih inside of them was female and was thus referred to as the Empress.

 FNF: Thanks for sitting down with us today, Emperor. Tell us, what’s with the mask?
 Emperor: …

 That concluded our interview. It was at that point that we remembered that hearing the Voice of Thunder would make our heads explode and our souls bleed.

 Stay tuned in the future for further FNF Exclusives!

 The Gaties: the only award ceremony celebrating the heroes of Gate Town and their Vids

We took these statues from other, evil award ceremonies 

 It’s that time of year once again, when the glamorous hobnob with the beautiful, and are recognized for their outstanding work in the last year. Our eyes are transfixed upon the galactic red carpet as the stars arrive from the Gate and make their way to the awards hall. For a brief moment, we take a stand besides these brave and beautiful heroes of the galaxy, and bask in the light of their wondrous glow.

That’s right, it’s awards season. Sunday night’s ceremony was a huge smash, hosted jointly by the refreshing duo of Pulpiteer and Seeker. Nothing is dull when a lecherous drunk and a smart-mouthed lawyer are given live mics. The traditional play-off-the-stage music normally provided by Tractus Lupus was replaced this year by play-off-the-stage gouts of flame, provided by the Mistress of Fire. The jokes were fast and furious all evening, and here were some of the best lines of the night.

 Seeker: “Tulku Spy, you gave a fantastic performance in Not without my Mystic Electron Microscope. I haven’t seen someone alone and abandoned like that in a situation that didn’t involve Silver Alloy”.

 Pulpiteer: “Terra Cotta is nominated tonight. I haven’t really been following the controversy over Zero Bark Forty, based on a true story involving cyborg canine commandos, but when it comes to making tough decisions, I trust the guy who decided to go ahead and get married to X after her god set him on fire”.

Seeker: “The Mistress of Fire is providing us the play-off-the-stage gouts of flame this evening, for which we’re thankful. However, going to be passing around a donation box for her soon. What most people don’t know is that pyrokinetics suffer from a lot of debilitating problems as a result of their conditions. Tonight is the fourth time that she has been given a ticket by Orpheon for having an unlicensed firearm.”

Pulpiteer: “Is the good Baron Gambler wearing a Space Robe and Cowboy boots as he talks about the Empress?”

 Enough of the recapping, let’s get to the awards.


Best Romance - Jewel of the Quantum Sea: An Ethereal Love Story, by Snickersnak

Known best for being one of the largest single supporters of the romance novel industry with her enormous expenditures on the literature, newcomer Snickersnak has truly penned a screenplay for the ages. The tale is as old as time, a young man meets the intensified quantum presence of a beautiful warrior from a past age that helps him on his path of self discovery. A few of the particularly steamy scenes involve Jack Musclechest being dissolved into a fine primordial mist as he explodes the ghostly intimates of Serena Randy, and the multiple pairing scene of Jack, Serena, and the being of glowing conscious thought from beyond the cosmos. Truly, Snickersnak is one a course to become one of the most accomplished writers of her, or future generations.

Best Romance Actor without a Shirt - Displays-His-Abs 

 It has been said that there is no sin greater than wearing a shirt. We are not sure who said it, but Displays-His-Abs assures us that it is a saying amongst the Meurlain. This sounds just as likely as anything else we hear about this made up culture, so why not? This was a big year for Displays-His-Abs. His husband, long the primary breadwinner of the household thanks to his S.T.R.I.F.E. winnings, is now the second largest income of the family. Displays-His-Abs appeared in his preferred state on the poster art of Jewel of the Quantum Sea, staring soulfully into his psionic shard, which as we know from the novel resonates with an Intergalactic Love Frequency that attracts Serena Randy in the first place. The poster art was such that the picture was even voted as “Most Likely to Make a Robot’s CPU Overheat” by Mystic Machines Monthly.

Best Performance in a Comedy or Musical - Coffinstuffer in Funeral Trip

As if people weren’t already jealous enough of him for being the partner of the Lotus of Middian, we learned this year that Coffinstuffer is quite the comedian. Long thought of as a man of action and drama, he appeared in one of this year’s surprise delights, Funeral Trip. The story follows a young Kshathran who is convinced by his two crazy friends to become a bounty hunter that fulfills contracts on his own life. Coffinstuffer, known for his penchant for returning from the dead with ease, adopts a strong Imperial Accent and an outrageous fake mustache for his Bounty Hunter Persona, Max Explosion. The three friends quickly become rich, until they run afoul of a Dahhak Crime Lord, Demon Johnnie. The hilarious exploits grossed over 160 billion credits galactically, not taking into account adjusted 5-D inflated ticket prices.

 Best Short Vid - X Marks the Spot, written and directed by X 

The first short vid by that sumptuous sprite X, it was originally planned as a hard biographical look at the rise of King Rama, a known supporter of the FNF and our biggest booster. The first three minutes of the vid is a gritty, tracking shot through the slums of Taranis, which then deftly cuts away to a dance club, a field of butterflies, a naked woman using a dynamite plunger, and then a slow motion bubble blowing scene in an abandoned factory. When asked about this, X started to discuss the discordian life of the average Fringer, but then got up and left to go get ice cream, build a small bomb, and paint a pony.

Best Actor in a Drama - Empathic Cyborg in How Dark is my Guyliner

A gripping tale of a web guide who is unlucky in love, and is burned with a cybernetic module that makes him feel five times as much as the average person. He becomes addicted to the guyliner that he uses, and goes into a self-destructive spiral of pain and suffering. He later finds redemption when he witnesses a train crash in the web ways, and saves the heiress of the Midnight Mascara company. However, even this turn has its challenges. Can his heart compartment ever be given a new artificial muscle so that he may love again? Has his trust module been forever damaged? Empathic Cyborg turns in the performance of a lifetime, though many critics claim that he was “simply playing himself, albeit in a compelling tale”. Other claim that “someone just wrote a program and ran it on his cybernetic interfaces. That’s hardly acting”.

Best Documentary - Arned and Dangerous

The search for Arn is compelling in a way that few stories are. We got a first hand look as famous Middians participated in the hunt. Snickersnak, complete with her strange, chitinous structures and her intimate yet frightening style of attack-sniffing those around her. It has been described several times by viewers as an “assault snuffle”, and it’s hard to say that it is incorrect. We also get to witness Okay, the small, post-Midir, psion as she listens for the sounds of what exactly? Reviewers have called her the “Death Listener”. This seems a little bit morbid, but it sure is catchy. The tale itself is heightened with a bit of scripted drama involving ridiculous time travel that seems to undercut the serious nature of the rest of the documentary, perhaps a bit of commentary on the ephemeral nature of time by the director, but despite this, the critics have adored this work. It seems that the obviously sentimental heartstring tugging that is the climax involving a large fight and the cooperation of the all of the galactic races is forgiven, even though it does seem a bit staged as well. Still, people love a feel good story fraught with action.

 Best Sequel - Slamwich 2: Painnut Blooder 

 Based on the real life exploits of Sharkz0r and Traganasaurus Wrecks, the first Slamwich vid is one of the all-time classics of Fringe cinema. It is the true to life story of the two gladiators who are asked to rescue King Rama’s daughter, who has been kidnapped and taken to space prison of Absalom. The sequel follows the pair as they are charged by a mysterious being to delve into the Quantum Sea and confront the terrorists who are looking to collect the dispersed memories of the once living to power a mind-control ray attached to the space station weapon known as Mentalum. One of the climactic scenes (SPOILER ALERT) revolves around Sharkz0r ramming his cesti into the abdomen of two machine-gun armed synth soldiers and dual wielding them as they spasm and unload their payloads into an incoming Web Tank. Meanwhile, Traganasaurs Wrecks has his weapon knocked down to a nearby ledge and he is forced to wrestle with the gorilla crab mano y crabbo. We are assured that this is based on a true story.

 Highest Gross Vid of the Year: Dirty Doctors 3: Antivenom - in 5D

Originally advertised as Dirty Doctors 3: Antivenom - in 3D + DD (IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN!)

Technically a re-release from 161, this did nothing to stop the monster profits of this previous award winning vid. It has been hailed as the most innovative vid of all time, making use of 5D technology, and direct mind control to allow the viewers to believe they actually experienced the vid. Despite the mess this has caused, the job industry for industrial cleaners has since boomed. Honorary galas have been thrown in support of Chance, for his work as a job creator in a time of turmoil.