Duchess of the Dastardly
“Experience teaches many to never trust an Imperial. Just when you think one’s alright, they turn legit.”
That might as well be the motto for the 13th Division of the Army of the Covenant (patent pending). Lead by the so-called Duchess of the Dastardly, a woman feared for her rending rifle and terrifying telekinetic talent. Many would consider her quiet or unassuming at first glance, but that’s exactly what a tactical mastermind would want you to think. While everyone knows that soldiers are their own special breed, think for a moment on an entire division filled with zealous criminals. These zealous criminals are armed with the best and most expensive armor and weaponry HME has to offer. Are you scared yet? Well, don’t be! Thanks to the Duchess of the Dastardly, the only thing we have to fear from this group of ne’er-do-wells is rough language and funny smells…as long as you don’t make her angry.
In recent months, the 13th has been seen embarking on missions on Vohu, a known Haven for scum and villainy, on the Yazatas home world, turning over every leaf in the course of their investigations, and even performing covert actions on Naraka, hoping that things don’t get too hot for them. The rumor mill has it that the 13th is on a missing persons hunt, searching for not one, but many people. These missing persons are of great concern to the Empire, and woe to those who stand in the way of the Duchess and her men. A figure of intense mystery, the FNF has only begun to scratch the surface of who the Duchess is truly.
The Duchess was born during a low orbit drop over the planet Jord. It was said that the entire labor took place while her parents were waiting to deploy their chutes and that by the time they were ready to do so, the Duchess was already asking for a cigar and cursing so much it was making the priest blush. She learned to wield an assault rifle at the age of five, when her next door neighbor attempted to take her dolly. A close source says that the Duchess mounted a full out assault on her neighbors that resulted not only in the return of the doll, but her family gaining six more feet of yard space, and a percentage of the income of the doll-thief’s father paying to replace the fence that was torn apart by the Duchess’s armor piercing rounds. Her telekinetic ability manifested at age eleven, when local bully Molly Turnbaum took her Sanja Huron lunch box. Local authorities received reports of a crying girl suspended in the air by the galaxy’s most impressive wedgie.
As a teenager, the Duchess lied about her age and joined the Imperial Army, already looking for a way to kill as a many people as possible for a cause she believed in. While everyone knew she was only fourteen, people were already too frightened of her to speak of it out loud. At the age of seventeen she was brought before a military tribunal for bodyslamming a Keretian Death Lizard on top of her commanding officer. When she was only twenty-two she was awarded the Meritorious Service in Gold for fashioning a shiv out of the thigh bone of a slain comrade and saving the rest of her platoon from a ravaging Terrordon in the jungle of Erlik. For the last several years she’s been stationed on the planet of Eclipse, though her actions have been kept secret for one reason or another. However, the galaxy should sleep soundly. If the Duchess is involved, you know that you are in good hands.
Love Is In the Air
The social event of the season will soon be upon us as Baron Sword-and-Wolf is set to marry the Lovely Librarian. That’s right ladies, Gate Town’s most eligible, and grumpy, bachelor is off the market. While it remains a matter of mystery as to how he escaped the spindly web of the Black Widow of Middian, everyone seems to be asking, “What can I get the man who hates or has everything?”
To help, we here at FNF have put together a friendly list to help the shopping impaired.
1. Cash. Look, we’ve all heard the people of House Sword-and-Wolf say “House Sword-and-Wolf needs money!” This is frequently one of their mottos. The rest of them aren’t fit to print. In most cases it would be considered crass to simply give a gift of cash at such an event, but crass is the new couture.
2. People. We here at the FNF do not counsel nor condone kidnapping someone to then gift them to the happy couple. However, if you have a fourth cousin that always embarrasses you at the family re-u, or a sister that drinks too much, or even a friend that always talks about how good looking they are, even though they aren’t that good looking and you are embarrassed to go to the store with them, then you might want to consider donating them. In service to the good Baron, they would be cleaned, fed, and be able to run and play out in the open. Probably. We assume anyway.
3. Swords. These should only presented ceremonially or left wrapped on the gift table. Imperial weddings are steeped in ceremony and tradition, and you can be sure that most everyone is packin’. It’s just not an Imperial event without being armed. If you attempted to present the Lovely-Librarian or the good Baron with a sword, it might be awkward. Just be careful.
4. Wolves. This is a no brainer. Baron Sword-and-Wolf is well known for wanting a pack of cybernetic attack wolves. You don’t have to supply the cybernetics in the wolf beforehand. That would be double gifting. A dragon wolf is a less than ideal gift, but as long as it can be cybernetically altered, and is house trained, then it will do in a pinch.
5. Some sort of tank. That seems pretty awesome to us here at the FNF.
6. Bees. Bees are a very responsible present. They not only help the environment flourish, but also produce honey, wax, royal jam, and honey wine. In the event that war is declared, they can also be weaponized into war bees.
7. Doilies. The frillier the better.
Hopefully this list proves useful! Remember, the bride and groom are registered at the Naraka Energy Rifle Foundry, Black Star, Blue Light, S.K.V.W. and Nog’s Grog Wholesale.
• Sources have seen the Black Widow of Middian arguing with several men during a relaxing trip to a secluded hunting preserve. Is the body count about to start piling?
• New hot neighborhood? The Lotus was seen getting cozy with some of the local wild life and was overheard having plans to move in for the winter. The area is already being dubbed Hunting Town, because Gate Town residents are clever.
• Snickersnac’s latest adventure is learning to write love poems that all incorporate the word “prey”, and “spay” is off the table.
• X, a certain saucy sprite, was seen going into the back room of Quad Portals for an extended period of time, during which chanting and flashing lights were observed. Afterwards, several people were seen emerging from the room, all with blood on their faces. We don’t know what happened, but it had to have been amazing.
• Pulpiteer was seen acting as the voice of reason during the forgotten people’s night of pleasure, acting as a chaperone and disappearing into the cabin of one of the most notorious women on Middian.
• Yeti sightings in Atlantis are at an all time high, spiking to one
• Rumors of a giant beast with tree trunk like nose and a brain for psionics have been circulating. Butch Thompson is paying a high ransom for the leg of the beast to be made into a trash can, and for the tusks to be used to make him a “new shoutin’ horn”.
• A silicate scientist has been seen making claims to “Make your cybernetics rock hard with just one dose of his juice.” There have been no takers.
• The super-double-secret boy toy of Lyre expressed disappointed upon seeing his lady love’s new weapon of choice. It’s a lot of live up to when it’s measured in acres, not inches.
• Baron Glow-Gun Gambler has been all abuzz as of late. Has he caught a bug?
• In an act truly indicative of Gate Town, an elaborate trap was set outside of what’s called the “arc terminus”. It managed to incapacitate the one friendly person to come through the gate.
• Both Silver Alloy and Displays-His-Abs are in mourning, as their fate-filled females are no longer present. They are both seeking comfort in Sharkzors hair.
• Looking for love? One of the noble women of Atlantis is seeking a suitor. Heard of those familial crystal shields? The fastest way is through her heart.
• Kills-With-Her-Mind is now so powerful that others fall asleep when she nods off. Look out when she has the hiccups.
• Empathic Cyborg Web Guide has been seen talking to himself and persisting in delusions of grandeur. Has he caught the cyborg virus that FNF previously mentioned?
• Dirty Doctors 3: Antivenom has become the highest grossing vid of all time, finally surpassing Manifestation. The top five now stand as Dirty Doctors 3, Manifestation, Colossal, Harold Tinker and the Expiring Santification, and Reconfigurers: Shade of the Planet.