Thursday, January 17, 2013

Grist Town: Your gate. Your town. Your tawdry details.

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

FNF Exclusive: Interview with an Empire 

The truth...unmasked!

 It’s a secret to everybody. At least, it was before FNF managed to track down the person we believe to now carry the Light of Eheih within them, and sit him down for an interview. As a disclaimer, we are not stating that this person is definitively male or female, but simply using the masculine tense for this interview as to avoid confusion, as the last person to carry the Light of Eheih inside of them was female and was thus referred to as the Empress.

 FNF: Thanks for sitting down with us today, Emperor. Tell us, what’s with the mask?

 That concluded our interview. It was at that point that we remembered that hearing the Voice of Thunder would make our heads explode and our souls bleed.

 Stay tuned in the future for further FNF Exclusives!

 The Gaties: the only award ceremony celebrating the heroes of Gate Town and their Vids

We took these statues from other, evil award ceremonies 

 It’s that time of year once again, when the glamorous hobnob with the beautiful, and are recognized for their outstanding work in the last year. Our eyes are transfixed upon the galactic red carpet as the stars arrive from the Gate and make their way to the awards hall. For a brief moment, we take a stand besides these brave and beautiful heroes of the galaxy, and bask in the light of their wondrous glow.

That’s right, it’s awards season. Sunday night’s ceremony was a huge smash, hosted jointly by the refreshing duo of Pulpiteer and Seeker. Nothing is dull when a lecherous drunk and a smart-mouthed lawyer are given live mics. The traditional play-off-the-stage music normally provided by Tractus Lupus was replaced this year by play-off-the-stage gouts of flame, provided by the Mistress of Fire. The jokes were fast and furious all evening, and here were some of the best lines of the night.

 Seeker: “Tulku Spy, you gave a fantastic performance in Not without my Mystic Electron Microscope. I haven’t seen someone alone and abandoned like that in a situation that didn’t involve Silver Alloy”.

 Pulpiteer: “Terra Cotta is nominated tonight. I haven’t really been following the controversy over Zero Bark Forty, based on a true story involving cyborg canine commandos, but when it comes to making tough decisions, I trust the guy who decided to go ahead and get married to X after her god set him on fire”.

Seeker: “The Mistress of Fire is providing us the play-off-the-stage gouts of flame this evening, for which we’re thankful. However, going to be passing around a donation box for her soon. What most people don’t know is that pyrokinetics suffer from a lot of debilitating problems as a result of their conditions. Tonight is the fourth time that she has been given a ticket by Orpheon for having an unlicensed firearm.”

Pulpiteer: “Is the good Baron Gambler wearing a Space Robe and Cowboy boots as he talks about the Empress?”

 Enough of the recapping, let’s get to the awards.

Best Romance - Jewel of the Quantum Sea: An Ethereal Love Story, by Snickersnak

Known best for being one of the largest single supporters of the romance novel industry with her enormous expenditures on the literature, newcomer Snickersnak has truly penned a screenplay for the ages. The tale is as old as time, a young man meets the intensified quantum presence of a beautiful warrior from a past age that helps him on his path of self discovery. A few of the particularly steamy scenes involve Jack Musclechest being dissolved into a fine primordial mist as he explodes the ghostly intimates of Serena Randy, and the multiple pairing scene of Jack, Serena, and the being of glowing conscious thought from beyond the cosmos. Truly, Snickersnak is one a course to become one of the most accomplished writers of her, or future generations.

Best Romance Actor without a Shirt - Displays-His-Abs 

 It has been said that there is no sin greater than wearing a shirt. We are not sure who said it, but Displays-His-Abs assures us that it is a saying amongst the Meurlain. This sounds just as likely as anything else we hear about this made up culture, so why not? This was a big year for Displays-His-Abs. His husband, long the primary breadwinner of the household thanks to his S.T.R.I.F.E. winnings, is now the second largest income of the family. Displays-His-Abs appeared in his preferred state on the poster art of Jewel of the Quantum Sea, staring soulfully into his psionic shard, which as we know from the novel resonates with an Intergalactic Love Frequency that attracts Serena Randy in the first place. The poster art was such that the picture was even voted as “Most Likely to Make a Robot’s CPU Overheat” by Mystic Machines Monthly.

Best Performance in a Comedy or Musical - Coffinstuffer in Funeral Trip

As if people weren’t already jealous enough of him for being the partner of the Lotus of Middian, we learned this year that Coffinstuffer is quite the comedian. Long thought of as a man of action and drama, he appeared in one of this year’s surprise delights, Funeral Trip. The story follows a young Kshathran who is convinced by his two crazy friends to become a bounty hunter that fulfills contracts on his own life. Coffinstuffer, known for his penchant for returning from the dead with ease, adopts a strong Imperial Accent and an outrageous fake mustache for his Bounty Hunter Persona, Max Explosion. The three friends quickly become rich, until they run afoul of a Dahhak Crime Lord, Demon Johnnie. The hilarious exploits grossed over 160 billion credits galactically, not taking into account adjusted 5-D inflated ticket prices.

 Best Short Vid - X Marks the Spot, written and directed by X 

The first short vid by that sumptuous sprite X, it was originally planned as a hard biographical look at the rise of King Rama, a known supporter of the FNF and our biggest booster. The first three minutes of the vid is a gritty, tracking shot through the slums of Taranis, which then deftly cuts away to a dance club, a field of butterflies, a naked woman using a dynamite plunger, and then a slow motion bubble blowing scene in an abandoned factory. When asked about this, X started to discuss the discordian life of the average Fringer, but then got up and left to go get ice cream, build a small bomb, and paint a pony.

Best Actor in a Drama - Empathic Cyborg in How Dark is my Guyliner

A gripping tale of a web guide who is unlucky in love, and is burned with a cybernetic module that makes him feel five times as much as the average person. He becomes addicted to the guyliner that he uses, and goes into a self-destructive spiral of pain and suffering. He later finds redemption when he witnesses a train crash in the web ways, and saves the heiress of the Midnight Mascara company. However, even this turn has its challenges. Can his heart compartment ever be given a new artificial muscle so that he may love again? Has his trust module been forever damaged? Empathic Cyborg turns in the performance of a lifetime, though many critics claim that he was “simply playing himself, albeit in a compelling tale”. Other claim that “someone just wrote a program and ran it on his cybernetic interfaces. That’s hardly acting”.

Best Documentary - Arned and Dangerous

The search for Arn is compelling in a way that few stories are. We got a first hand look as famous Middians participated in the hunt. Snickersnak, complete with her strange, chitinous structures and her intimate yet frightening style of attack-sniffing those around her. It has been described several times by viewers as an “assault snuffle”, and it’s hard to say that it is incorrect. We also get to witness Okay, the small, post-Midir, psion as she listens for the sounds of what exactly? Reviewers have called her the “Death Listener”. This seems a little bit morbid, but it sure is catchy. The tale itself is heightened with a bit of scripted drama involving ridiculous time travel that seems to undercut the serious nature of the rest of the documentary, perhaps a bit of commentary on the ephemeral nature of time by the director, but despite this, the critics have adored this work. It seems that the obviously sentimental heartstring tugging that is the climax involving a large fight and the cooperation of the all of the galactic races is forgiven, even though it does seem a bit staged as well. Still, people love a feel good story fraught with action.

 Best Sequel - Slamwich 2: Painnut Blooder 

 Based on the real life exploits of Sharkz0r and Traganasaurus Wrecks, the first Slamwich vid is one of the all-time classics of Fringe cinema. It is the true to life story of the two gladiators who are asked to rescue King Rama’s daughter, who has been kidnapped and taken to space prison of Absalom. The sequel follows the pair as they are charged by a mysterious being to delve into the Quantum Sea and confront the terrorists who are looking to collect the dispersed memories of the once living to power a mind-control ray attached to the space station weapon known as Mentalum. One of the climactic scenes (SPOILER ALERT) revolves around Sharkz0r ramming his cesti into the abdomen of two machine-gun armed synth soldiers and dual wielding them as they spasm and unload their payloads into an incoming Web Tank. Meanwhile, Traganasaurs Wrecks has his weapon knocked down to a nearby ledge and he is forced to wrestle with the gorilla crab mano y crabbo. We are assured that this is based on a true story.

 Highest Gross Vid of the Year: Dirty Doctors 3: Antivenom - in 5D

Originally advertised as Dirty Doctors 3: Antivenom - in 3D + DD (IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN!)

Technically a re-release from 161, this did nothing to stop the monster profits of this previous award winning vid. It has been hailed as the most innovative vid of all time, making use of 5D technology, and direct mind control to allow the viewers to believe they actually experienced the vid. Despite the mess this has caused, the job industry for industrial cleaners has since boomed. Honorary galas have been thrown in support of Chance, for his work as a job creator in a time of turmoil.