Grist Town: Your gate. Your town. Your tawdry details.

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

Journalists on Patrol - Day in the Life of Avalon Ranger Pulpiteer
There are very few instances of pure, innocent joy in the life of a journalist. Of those precious few moments, having the opportunity to become an embedded reporter is only exceeded by hearing the phrase, “You no longer have to cover the Erlik’s Cutest Jungle Monster contest.” Yet that’s exactly what happened when I received notice that I was going to participate in an Avalon “walk along” with a true Avalon Ranger. The news was enough to penetrate even the deep haze of meds and stims required to keep the hallucinations caused by the venom of the Spined Horned Cat, second runner-up, at bay. How our Editor-in-Chief arranged this, we have no idea, but we speculate that it involved alcohol. To our delight and surprise, we were assigned to none other than Pulpiteer, the famed lawman of Middian. We arrived at Avalon headquarters bright and early on the day in question, long before the sun had even risen.

0600 - Arrive at Avalon’s Middian Headquarters, fresh coffee greets us. Best. Assignment. Ever.
0630 - No sign of Pulpiteer, J-Co attempts radio rousal to no satisfaction.
0704 - J-Co allows us to go with him to the barracks to check on Pulpiteer.
0712 - Maybe I shouldn’t have had that third cup of coffee.
0727 - J-Co informs us that Pulpiteer’s position as a holy man ensures him a private suite in the barracks. The cute lady Ranger giggles and tells us it’s called “Confession.”
0728 - Five different socks are hanging from the door handle; J-Co seems confused.
0729 - J-Co pops the door handle, revealing what can only be described as an abundance of exposed flesh and Grog.
0730 - Pulpiteer helps himself to a cigar while giving the Nogg’s Grog girls a sermon on Tane. Giggles seems starry eyed...I’m considered converting.
0800 - After waiting for Pulpiteer to shower and get ready, J-Co gives us the lowdown. A saboteur has infiltrated Nog’s Grog. The perpetrator is an expert at corporate espionage, codename: Candy Striper.
0958 - Pulpiteer has reviewed the case and informed FNF that Candy Striper is code for a “Booze Babe.”
1000 - Pulpiteer begins drawing pictures of what she might look like so “he’ll know who he’s up against.”
1030 - Drawing of her surfing through the web ways completed; there is something that might be a shark chasing her.
1044 - Drawing of the Candy Striper collecting church donations while wearing a bikini completed; sacks with credit symbols spotted in the drawing.
1104 - Drawing of the Candy Striper wrestling Pulpiteer in a vat of Nog’s Grog presented as a possible tactical plan to J-Co.
1105 - Pulpiteer handed ice by Giggles after being slapped.
1123 - We head to a club near the Nog’s Grog facility to see what shakes loose.
1131 - Several one credit bills shake loose; other things just shake.
1139 - Pulpiteer spends some time flashing some photos and seems to find someone willing to talk.
1144 - A Yazatas woman joins Pulpiteer at the table. and the man he first talked to leaves.
1147 - A large group of Aeshma come over to inquire as to why Pulpiteer is talking to the boss’s lady. The look on her face is one of fear. Pulpiteer takes offense.
1150 - The alley of the club might smell better than the inside, but that might be a result of the broken nose.
1151 - The woman rushes over to Pulpiteer and helps him to his feet, whispering fervently and sliding something into his pocket.
1200 - We have a nice lunch of nachos and a single pint of Grog.
1300 - We return to the case, looking up an elderly man named Tom Peterly.
1337 - Pulpiteer handles a group of dragon wolves with his side arm, shouting out a prayer we can’t quite print... He shows me a collar from one of the dragon wolves, claiming that he’s ruffled some feathers. The collar shows a gilded CH on it.
1422 - We arrive in a hovel just on the wrong side of Gate Town, where an old man smokes hand-rolled stinking cigarettes. He doesn’t look inclined to help us.
1427 - Tom and Pulpiteer glare at each other in silence, playing a game of Vajran Dominoes. Neither says a word.
1448 - The game ends, and I am not quite sure who the winner was. Pulpiteer shows the old man a crumpled picture he pulls out of his pocket. The old man’s lip trembles for a moment and begins to speak softly.
1515 - Pulpiteer makes us stop at the refugee camp nearby. The next three-quarters of an hour are filled with wisdom, booze, and discreetly taking care of minor injuries and diseases. I get this feeling this is a safety precaution on his part, but it’s speculation.
1600 - We head to a flop house on the edge of town, and find strange plants covering part of the wall. Everyone in the place seems as if they are on some high-grade Gymir Snow. We are directed to the owner, Paulie “Swank Creds” Stamos. Paulie is a Kshathran that used to be big in the sling race circuit and now fancies himself a real estate mogul, and usually has a cigar crammed in his ugly mug. A lot of these Stamos Estates residences are “creds by the hour” affairs, and this one certainly looks it.
1601 - Paulie is rubbing his paws together in a way that makes it clear he needs to be compensated for his time.
1602 - Pulpiteer tells Paulie he has a burning question for him.
1603 - The smell of burning circuits fills the room along with Paulie’s screams. The cigar is no longer in sight.
1604 - We head upstairs, carefully making our way over the spice heads in the stairwell. The smell of stale smoke, vomit and despair clings to my coat.
1605 - The room that we stand outside of has thick smoke pouring out from underneath the door, with an acrid smell that can only be Lethese Hang Stem, one of the most potent narcotics in the galaxy. Whoever is smoking it is sure to be a winner.
1606 - A confused moment follows where I am certain we have stumbled into a Nog’s Grog party, before I realize that all of the exposed flesh just reminds me of Confession.
1607 - The trio of Yazatas are obviously sisters, and are floating higher than a sling pod champion at the moment.
1608 - Pulpiteer shouts and shakes them sober. “Terrified awe” is probably the best way to describe the expression on the faces of the stem heads.
1626 - Pulpiteer spends a while talking to the young ladies, asking questions and throwing away all of their stash. He tells me that Avalon will be by later to pick them up and hold them until they dry out, where they will then learn the trade of justice.
1755 - We make our way to the remains of a Broken Sun brewery; Pulpiteer looks nervous.
1800 - Pulpiteer insists we stop and have a drink, in thanks to Tane.
1810 - We thank Tane some more.
1820 - We are very thankful for Tane
1830 - Wr aer sover ythaknfl for Taen
1900 - How weird are bats? They have really big ears! Their faces look like freaky smushed cat-squirrels.
1944 - Giggles is here for some reason. I think she wants to go to Confession.
1947 - Giggles attempts to bite Pulpiteer on the neck, and I can tell that he doesn’t like that and that it’s weird. I’m a journalist, we notice these things.
1950 - Pulpiteer assures me that the sharp teeth and foaming of the mouth are not, in fact, how Giggles gets down.
1953 - Giggles stumbles, slamming her head into a disused spout. She does not rise again.
2001 - More weird foaming mouth people show up. This makes me nervous, but Pulpiteer begins to loudly pray to Tane and opens up fire. He assures me that Tane values an accurate head shot. Who am I to argue with a man of the cloth?
2018 - Too many foamers, we have to retreat upstairs.
2032 - Hiding out in one of the disused offices as we catch our breath, Pulpiteer begins to look through the scattered paperwork, eventually sniffing a page and uttering a very intimate and unprintable tribute to Tane.
2159 - We make it to the roof after tangling with too many foamers. The desk, a nice Neith piece that would have fetched some major credits on the collectors market, was reduced to kindling as we tossed it into the remaining vats and set fire to the lot of stinking, and now highly flammable, rotgut.
2233 - Pulpiteer fends off the foamers as we make our way back to the club. I can tell Pulpiteer has it all figured out.
2234 - Pulpiteer spells it out for me. The Candy Striper is none other than Candice Hickory, a hot Yazatas and daughter of renowned scientist, Dr. Hickory. Candice, outraged at the accusations leveled against her father that nearly destroyed his career, sought to strike back at those that defamed him. Posing as a Booze Babe, an attractive person used as a salesperson, she managed to infiltrate Gail’s Ale and Nog’s Grog both. Working from the old Broken Sun brewery, she managed to cross-pollinate the zombie plant with hops, creating a deadly and delicious ale. Those who drink it turn into horrible zombies, controlled by Candice! He was led to this conclusion when he saw the name on the papers in the office, and smelled the paper...the same perfume was on it that he smelled on the woman at the club. She’d led us on a merry chase that continually ended in our almost being killed. The old man was a Candice’s old chemistry teacher - he never wanted her to come to harm. The woman at the club that sent us to him must have known that he would have told us that her relatives, all stem heads, lived close by. We would have no choice but to go there and follow up. The dragon wolves were to scare us away, but we kept at it. The girls, all on Candice’s payroll, told us about the brewery, and how the Candy Striper paid them to find it for her, and that’s all they knew. They will have undoubtedly escaped custody by now. She was hoping that the foamers would infect us, finish us off. She didn’t count on Pulpiteer and his special dispensation of justice. The only questions were, who was this girl, and where was Candice?
2302 - We are back at the club and you could tell that the woman is surprised to see us. Her face is whiter than a ghost wearing a wedding dress. Pulpiteer just says, “Hello, Janice.” She bolts for the door.
2303 - Pulpiteer sprints and grabs her before she can get away. Sobbing, she says over and over to get her away from her, that her sister would kill her for failing. Pulpiteer consoles her and gets the rest of the story. Janice is the twin of Candice, owner of the Serpent Hole lounge that we were in. Candice threatened to kill Janice if she didn’t help her; after all, weren’t they sisters? Didn’t they love their father? Candice got crazier and crazier, splitting her time between here and the Broken Sun brewery as she slowly began her work of gaining trust and infiltrating breweries. Pulpiteer is grim and makes me stay here with Janice as he heads back in.
2305 - I think that’s a chair that breaks the window. Aeshma One follows it.
2306 - Aeshma Two has a bad hair day, singed bald by something that’s left his chest on fire.
2307 - There was a fire fight.
2310 - Pulpiteer emerges, carrying a wounded but not dying Yazatas woman that can only be Candice. We head back to base to debrief J-Co.
2344 - Candice is arrested and held for trial. Nog’s Grog and Gail’s Ale begin cleaning out their stocks, each threatening to sue Candice for the lost profits.
2345 - J-Co asks Pulpiteer what do with Janice, who seems to be a stooge in all this. Janice smiles and asks to go to Confession for her part in all this. Pulpiteer, being a man of the cloth, obliges.
0000 - Best. Day. Ever.

If Avalon is reading this, please let us go with you again. Next time, we’ll take pictures...

An Intimate Interview with Naraka Councilwoman Nadia Solarii

Everyone has heard that age old axiom “Every end is a new beginning.” This is perhaps thrice true for Nadia Solarii. Instead of bemoaning her circumstances and focusing on what she had to give up when originally migrating to Naraka, she went on to lead the ultra successful Solarii Industries. Recently, Nadia was involved in a highly publicized battle for the position of Council CEO with Orpheon Industries. Thanks to influence and diligence from both her superstar daughter and her allies on Middian, Ms. Solarii pulled off a stunning election day coup and supplanted the long-standing Orpheon Industries candidate. This signaled not only the end of Ms. Solarii’s time as solely a businesswoman, but the end of the old government on Naraka. We were lucky enough to be fit into her extremely busy schedule during a recent jaunt to Middian.

FNF: Thanks for speaking with us today, Council CEO Solarii. We know your time is valuable and the FNF is renowned for its inability to scrounge up enough credits to afford to pay attention. We are working on a slush fund, but we are having a hard time getting it off of Gymir.

Solarii: *laughs* No problem. My daughter has informed me of your fair and balanced reporting, and I consider this an excellent opportunity to converse in a much less formal setting.

FNF: So, Councilwoman, can you tell us why you are on Middian today?

Solarii: I am here for the social event of the season, well, the month at least...on Middian. My daughter, a longtime supporter of matrimony and monogamous relationships, made certain that I was in attendance. Weddings are beautiful occasions, and we need more beautiful occasions in these troubled times, wouldn’t you agree?

FNF: As you say Councilwoman, we-

Solarii: In fact, we could use more of them, and my daughter agrees! It not only brightens spirits, but large events like this are excellent opportunities to stimulate myriad aspects of the economy. Tourism receives a major increase, as well as traditional luxury goods artisans. Every facet of the economy around the area of the event flourishes. Simply put, everything about them is good.

FNF: Interesting. Do you think that you will-

Solarii: You know my daughter, I am sure. She is an incredibly talented, beautiful and famous pit fighter. What you might not know is that she is officially accepting suitors! She’s told me all about her ideal man, and what better place than to share it than with the Fringe News Feed?

FNF: Well Councilwoman, we don’t normally-

Solarii: Excellent! I knew you’d agree wholeheartedly! As you are all undoubtedly aware from the Vids, my daughter is a divine creature with looks that could even make the most devout follower of Nidregg turn that spiral into a straight line, if you catch my drift. Not only that, but she’s a tough and independent creature that doesn’t need a man, but still deserves to be lucky in love. Did you know that I once caught her sneaking out of the house to make out with the son of a visiting Imperial noble? The look on that boy’s face when I told him I was going to tell his mother! As for my daughter, she turned redder than a lava lobster! She didn’t speak to me for a week! I think that’s when it started though, her secret love of men from the Imperium.

FNF: I am not sure that your daughter would want her-

Solarii: *laugh* Nonsense! She is just too shy to do this on her own! If you want to find your way into my daughter’s heart, here’s what you need to know. While she tried to hide it, she simply adores men with the classic Imperial look. The more midnight the black of your ankle length leather coat, the more commanding your authority, the tighter your buttons and pants, and the cleaner your cut, the more she will be romancing you in her mind. She wants her man to keep some mystery. If you want to catch her attention, you need to be willing not to share everything with her and keep her guessing. If you appear to be a puzzle she can’t solve, she won’t be able to put you out of her thoughts. Finally, it’s all about the voice for her. If you have a voice that might rattle a window pane, you will make her knees rattle. While this might seem like too much information, I feel that having the proper information is key to having success in finding a suitor that I can approve.

FNF: Ma’am, we don’t usually-

Solarii: Oh! I wouldn’t want to forget to give other necessary information to potential suitors. I found one of her diaries once where she discussed wanting three children. She’d like one daughter and a pair of well-behaved boys. If you have the means to possibly ensure this, I am positive it would win points. The diary also talks about when she was on a date and-

FNF: Looks like our time is up folks! The FNF would like to thank Council CEO Solarii for her time and insight into her busy life as a newly elected official. The FNF would like to remind certain parties that we should not be held responsible for the comments of our interviewees. In a non-related note, we would also like to thank Solarii Industries for their generous donations.

Gossip Scraps

• Snickersnac might have a new father figure on the horizon. Empathic Cyborg Web Guide was seen cozying up to her mother during a recent Gate Town gathering. The question remains, will he ask her to call him daddy?
• Pulpiteer officially confirmed that Widow Chic is no longer in fashion. In a fabulous faux pas, he was seen sporting a sparkly sport coat. Rumors seem to confirm that he caught no lady flies within his gussied up web. This proves once again that Imperial fashion changes faster than who is claiming to be the Emperor.
• For the second gather in a row, a yeti was reported to be sighted near the Gate Town denizens. Have the gentle giants migrated here from Gymir, and if so, what do they know that we don’t?
• In a scandal that shook the bedrock of Gate Town, it has been revealed that Jackson Howl is married! As a well-known scientist/fringe-core musician he was considered to be quite the catch and have a long string of meaningless encounters with groupies, as required by his label’s contract. Instead, his reappearance in the spotlight has him happily married. How long until the label drops his group?
• The nuptials of the Sword-and-Wolf family went off without a hitch. By the accounts of the Raven family’s party planner, they received no less than three hundred doilies. Baron Sword-and-Wolf was heard to thank FNF for their gift recommendations. Congratulations Baron!
• Someone has “planted their seed” with the Glow-Gun Gambler. Kills-With-Her-Mind is said to be “concerned”. Watch out, oglers!
• Empathic Cyborg Web Guide and the Agent of the Tulku have been seen practicing a strange form of martial arts over the last few weeks. It involves recorded music and spinning upon the ground and using a combination of high energy and acrobatic moves. They are said to be competing over an unknown issue in a “breakdancing duel to the death” within the coming months. Butch Thompson and the STRIFE league are looking to obtain exclusive rights.
• Stock in Insane Ideas, LLC. continues to plummet after CEO Silver Alloy’s latest venture of a blood based infrastructure was met with a chill reception.
• We aren’t sure what Naughty Nerys is fully involved in, but it involved several fine specimens of Gate Town dressing up and practicing the art of seduction. Rumors of fake illicit corporations have sky rocketed in the following days.
• Seeker is in the market for a big book, and throwing lessons. He is paying reasonable sums, but be sure to check that contract before you sign it.
• Rumor has Doc Snail putting on her most festive jacket in order to garner some attention. With Sharkzor nowhere in sight, is she looking to put her healer’s hands on Displays-His-Abs?
• With nuptuals in the air, it’s always a good opportunity to couple watch. A certain silicate playmate looked a little green around the gills and was smiling a little too widely to be entirely comfortable, while the Lotus and Coffin Stuffer seemed smug and cozy in their devoted union that need not be defined the words of man nor god.
• When taking on a Shackler, gaudy things in ivory and gold, it is important to deploy the proper technique. For those looking for lessons, inquire with one Quiet Storm. He might not say much, but his slide kicks are the best this side of Dirty Doctors 5: Mud Medicine.
• X, a certain saucy sprite, looked positively electric in a acid green and black dress. Knowing her uncanny affinity with machines, one has to wonder if the Box of Utmost Partyfication told his Maru friends about the outfit and that’s why they came to town. When it became clear they missed the dress, they couldn’t help but vent their frustration.
• Talk Fast is in the market for some “confidential sources”. If you are a stoolie, rat, fink, squeeler, plant, informant or even a plain ol’ snitch, please inquire directly.

Grist Town: Your gate. Your town. Your tawdry details.

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist


Duchess of the Dastardly
“Experience teaches many to never trust an Imperial. Just when you think one’s alright, they turn legit.”

That might as well be the motto for the 13th Division of the Army of the Covenant (patent pending). Lead by the so-called Duchess of the Dastardly, a woman feared for her rending rifle and terrifying telekinetic talent. Many would consider her quiet or unassuming at first glance, but that’s exactly what a tactical mastermind would want you to think. While everyone knows that soldiers are their own special breed, think for a moment on an entire division filled with zealous criminals. These zealous criminals are armed with the best and most expensive armor and weaponry HME has to offer. Are you scared yet? Well, don’t be! Thanks to the Duchess of the Dastardly, the only thing we have to fear from this group of ne’er-do-wells is rough language and funny smells…as long as you don’t make her angry.

In recent months, the 13th has been seen embarking on missions on Vohu, a known Haven for scum and villainy, on the Yazatas home world, turning over every leaf in the course of their investigations, and even performing covert actions on Naraka, hoping that things don’t get too hot for them. The rumor mill has it that the 13th is on a missing persons hunt, searching for not one, but many people. These missing persons are of great concern to the Empire, and woe to those who stand in the way of the Duchess and her men. A figure of intense mystery, the FNF has only begun to scratch the surface of who the Duchess is truly.

The Duchess was born during a low orbit drop over the planet Jord. It was said that the entire labor took place while her parents were waiting to deploy their chutes and that by the time they were ready to do so, the Duchess was already asking for a cigar and cursing so much it was making the priest blush. She learned to wield an assault rifle at the age of five, when her next door neighbor attempted to take her dolly. A close source says that the Duchess mounted a full out assault on her neighbors that resulted not only in the return of the doll, but her family gaining six more feet of yard space, and a percentage of the income of the doll-thief’s father paying to replace the fence that was torn apart by the Duchess’s armor piercing rounds. Her telekinetic ability manifested at age eleven, when local bully Molly Turnbaum took her Sanja Huron lunch box. Local authorities received reports of a crying girl suspended in the air by the galaxy’s most impressive wedgie.

As a teenager, the Duchess lied about her age and joined the Imperial Army, already looking for a way to kill as a many people as possible for a cause she believed in. While everyone knew she was only fourteen, people were already too frightened of her to speak of it out loud. At the age of seventeen she was brought before a military tribunal for bodyslamming a Keretian Death Lizard on top of her commanding officer. When she was only twenty-two she was awarded the Meritorious Service in Gold for fashioning a shiv out of the thigh bone of a slain comrade and saving the rest of her platoon from a ravaging Terrordon in the jungle of Erlik. For the last several years she’s been stationed on the planet of Eclipse, though her actions have been kept secret for one reason or another. However, the galaxy should sleep soundly. If the Duchess is involved, you know that you are in good hands.

Love Is In the Air

The social event of the season will soon be upon us as Baron Sword-and-Wolf is set to marry the Lovely Librarian. That’s right ladies, Gate Town’s most eligible, and grumpy, bachelor is off the market. While it remains a matter of mystery as to how he escaped the spindly web of the Black Widow of Middian, everyone seems to be asking, “What can I get the man who hates or has everything?”

To help, we here at FNF have put together a friendly list to help the shopping impaired.

1. Cash. Look, we’ve all heard the people of House Sword-and-Wolf say “House Sword-and-Wolf needs money!” This is frequently one of their mottos. The rest of them aren’t fit to print. In most cases it would be considered crass to simply give a gift of cash at such an event, but crass is the new couture.

2. People. We here at the FNF do not counsel nor condone kidnapping someone to then gift them to the happy couple. However, if you have a fourth cousin that always embarrasses you at the family re-u, or a sister that drinks too much, or even a friend that always talks about how good looking they are, even though they aren’t that good looking and you are embarrassed to go to the store with them, then you might want to consider donating them. In service to the good Baron, they would be cleaned, fed, and be able to run and play out in the open. Probably. We assume anyway.

3. Swords. These should only presented ceremonially or left wrapped on the gift table. Imperial weddings are steeped in ceremony and tradition, and you can be sure that most everyone is packin’. It’s just not an Imperial event without being armed. If you attempted to present the Lovely-Librarian or the good Baron with a sword, it might be awkward. Just be careful.

4. Wolves. This is a no brainer. Baron Sword-and-Wolf is well known for wanting a pack of cybernetic attack wolves. You don’t have to supply the cybernetics in the wolf beforehand. That would be double gifting. A dragon wolf is a less than ideal gift, but as long as it can be cybernetically altered, and is house trained, then it will do in a pinch.

5. Some sort of tank. That seems pretty awesome to us here at the FNF.

6. Bees. Bees are a very responsible present. They not only help the environment flourish, but also produce honey, wax, royal jam, and honey wine. In the event that war is declared, they can also be weaponized into war bees.

7. Doilies. The frillier the better.

Hopefully this list proves useful! Remember, the bride and groom are registered at the Naraka Energy Rifle Foundry, Black Star, Blue Light, S.K.V.W. and Nog’s Grog Wholesale.

Gossip Scraps:
• Sources have seen the Black Widow of Middian arguing with several men during a relaxing trip to a secluded hunting preserve. Is the body count about to start piling?

• New hot neighborhood? The Lotus was seen getting cozy with some of the local wild life and was overheard having plans to move in for the winter. The area is already being dubbed Hunting Town, because Gate Town residents are clever.

• Snickersnac’s latest adventure is learning to write love poems that all incorporate the word “prey”, and “spay” is off the table.

• X, a certain saucy sprite, was seen going into the back room of Quad Portals for an extended period of time, during which chanting and flashing lights were observed. Afterwards, several people were seen emerging from the room, all with blood on their faces. We don’t know what happened, but it had to have been amazing.

• Pulpiteer was seen acting as the voice of reason during the forgotten people’s night of pleasure, acting as a chaperone and disappearing into the cabin of one of the most notorious women on Middian.

• Yeti sightings in Atlantis are at an all time high, spiking to one

• Rumors of a giant beast with tree trunk like nose and a brain for psionics have been circulating. Butch Thompson is paying a high ransom for the leg of the beast to be made into a trash can, and for the tusks to be used to make him a “new shoutin’ horn”.

• A silicate scientist has been seen making claims to “Make your cybernetics rock hard with just one dose of his juice.” There have been no takers.

• The super-double-secret boy toy of Lyre expressed disappointed upon seeing his lady love’s new weapon of choice. It’s a lot of live up to when it’s measured in acres, not inches.

• Baron Glow-Gun Gambler has been all abuzz as of late. Has he caught a bug?

• In an act truly indicative of Gate Town, an elaborate trap was set outside of what’s called the “arc terminus”. It managed to incapacitate the one friendly person to come through the gate.

• Both Silver Alloy and Displays-His-Abs are in mourning, as their fate-filled females are no longer present. They are both seeking comfort in Sharkzors hair.

• Looking for love? One of the noble women of Atlantis is seeking a suitor. Heard of those familial crystal shields? The fastest way is through her heart.

• Kills-With-Her-Mind is now so powerful that others fall asleep when she nods off. Look out when she has the hiccups.

• Empathic Cyborg Web Guide has been seen talking to himself and persisting in delusions of grandeur. Has he caught the cyborg virus that FNF previously mentioned?

• Dirty Doctors 3: Antivenom has become the highest grossing vid of all time, finally surpassing Manifestation. The top five now stand as Dirty Doctors 3, Manifestation, Colossal, Harold Tinker and the Expiring Santification, and Reconfigurers: Shade of the Planet.

Webways: Latest Victim of Civilization?

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

Are the Webways the next victim of rapid population growth? In a galaxy where entire city-planets lay in waste and ruin, the Webways have always been thought of as the streets that never need cleaning. While they weren't a place of safety, necessarily, you could be certain that you wouldn't have to find an injury lawyer to handle your attempted vehicular manslaughter case or have to pick up trash along the route. In the last year, that perception has been shattered, in the worst ways possible. Several months ago, a reporter with the FNF first reported on the so-called "Death Train" that smashed into the Gate of Taranis, all but decimating the entry way to the Web, and leaving people without a sense of safety, as rumors of a heavy weapons payload on the train continues to circulate. While safety itself is an ellusive concept on Taranis, this episode tossed the entire population into turmoil, with several rallies asking Rama to "Secure the Ways to the Future", and vigilante groups patrolling the area to...look for stray trains...we guess. To make matters worse, the presence of Imperial soldiers caused even further political disquiet, as the sheen of the anti-Empire statements were called into question yet again.

If the threat of giant trains of death weren't enough, now travelers must contend with stray trash in the ways as well! Reports coming in from across the galaxy have people discovering old pieces of paper, strange weaponry and even bizarre playing cards. FNF has managed to find one of these bizarre cards, in the hope of getting to the bottom of this galactic trash scandal. Current theories by experts place the cards as an elaborate marketing scheme by the underground Fringe-Rock group Ways to Her Heart, and the group is not disputing the claims, though they are not confirming reports, either. Ways to Her Heart are currently touring with Tractus Lupus, with a week of upcoming shows on Naraka before departing to Meurlain space.

This is the bizarre card found in the Ways, part of the rash of pollution ongoing in the Web. If you have any information on polluted state of the Ways, please contact FNF as soon as possible.

Scandalous Vid Poster Released!

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

The Fringe Newsfeed has obtained a special pre-release copy of the new promotional vid from XXX producer Hugo Johnson. In an exclusive interview, Johnson told FNF that "While names had to be changed for legal reasons, this is absolutely a true story, just as with the previous Dirty Doctors entries, Bootycamp and Siliconquest. We take great pride in our authenticity. Our audience demands nothing less".

Imperial, Fringe, Tribe and Meurlain PR firms have been reported to already attempting to contact the real life analog of these Adult Actors.

Grist Town: Sorry Sorrow, Party Time!

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

Sultry Surgeon Sheds Scrubs in Silent Support

The glamorous Dr. Firm recently shed her sensible, yet flattering, scrubs in favor of a sparkling top and short skirt that is bound to have all of the men screaming “Oh baby, take it Eioph!” Dr. Firm (in more ways than one, judging from that top) is known to provide outspoken opposition to the political ongoings of the Middian Imperium. To say she keeps a realistic and dour view of things is akin to saying I like booze in my drinks with umbrella. It’s true, but it doesn’t quite convey the necessity of the situation. However, in the fermentation festooned festivities of Man-O-War’s Drinkathalon, an all together different view of Dr. Firm’s political leanings was presented. Did her attire reveal her political desire? That’s the thought that’s circulating in everyone’s heads. Snarky Firm would have looked more at home amongst the Fringe than in the Imperium, that’s for certain. Her skirt was near indiscernible from the skirts and dresses of several known Fringer fashion icons. The bedazzling blouse screamed rave, not reserved. Of course, we all know the bare thigh being shown was nothing more than mind-control tactics, but, oddly enough, no one seemed to mind. As the evening wore on, she was heard to opine, “Boobies!”, more than proof enough for this reporter that she was full-on Fringe for the evening.

So, is this fashion trend a show of support for the Fringer systems? It seems likely. With the inhibitions sent home for the evening, Dr. Firm let her fun side for a walk, doing more for political relationships than a month of negotiations. She was a good-luck charm for Pie-Fingers, a well known Fringer bartender and former sports star, she was trusted to be the proxy for Wheeler Dealer, a merchant of some reknown, and even took advice from Man-O-War, with nary a sneer in sight. The clothes make the woman, as the saying goes, and it’s clear to this reporter that the woman in question is one that puts on a persona for her god and her Imperium, but wishes she could stand besides those she knows as friends. Expect this to be a trend. Club kids on Akeir have been wearing more and more Fringe attire over the past few years, and now that it is being worn as open support by the nobility it will spread even further. Remember, gentle readers, when you want to make a political statement, nothing speaks louder than short skirts and revealing shirts.

Delphinium "Berries" All Doubters
One Yazata is working hard to make the residents of Gate Town say, “Hickory Who?” While she publicly decries her role in repairing the reputation of her race, Dr. Naughtyberry is, of course, beloved by all and needs no reputation repair, Delphinium has been working diligently. As we previously reported, her hammocks were the initial inroads used to start to gain respect and trust of the community. However, she isn’t stopping there to snooze in her good idea. She has become known as the bearer of a fabled concoction known as “Pink Drink”, and is not only welcome at Middian Mixers, but is desired for her knowledge of mixology. This past party was no different.

Delphinium showed up with the well-connected and respected journalist “Lucky J”, and carrying a tray of meticulously cut strawberries filled with a gelatinous concoction that did not simply whisper “I will inebriate you”, it sang it while dancing about the room in choreographed numbers. Her knowledge of the Altered States of Inebria has become her greatest reference that if she hands you something at a party, it’s going to be phenomenal. She played cards, socialized and, without even trying, had people coming to her, seeking out her knowledge. It might have seemed that they were simply being considerate, as she was involved in a card game, but Delphinium is clever indeed.

It is of little surprise that throughout the course of the evening the phrase, “We should talk to Delphinium about that” was uttered many times. Seemingly without trying she has become an integral part of the plans of Gate Town, and has shed the Yazatas stereotypes that once accompanied her. She has become so well-liked that even Man-O-War gave her a Get Out of Violence Free card, and we all know how much he likes to commit acts of violence! That, if nothing else, is proof of her acceptance into the community.

So what’s next for the saucy scientist? It’s hard to know, but it’s safe to say we can expect good things from the budding technician.

Gossip Scraps

• The web grows wider. X, a well-known (and much stared after) technician with Quad-Portals, was heard to opine that she really enjoyed the curves of a certain Middian Black Widow. The power of this image alone might be enough to topple those with weak constitutions. Even when she is not in attendance, the gossamer strands are working to ensnare the unsuspecting.
• “Silver Alloy” was overheard asking if he should collect on the sizable bounties currently being offered. Others, upon hearing this, began wondering the same thing. Remember “Silver Alloy”, if you can’t spot the sucker, it’s you.
• Nasu utilizing weaponized dolphins? It’s more likely than you think! A Nasu representative seemingly gave away a closely held secret of her home. The sea, from whence the Nasu sprung, also holds psionically potent dolphins. The Nasu developed their psionic potential from working with these Aquatic Arcanists, and work in harmony with them. Let’s just hope, Sorrow Supporters withstanding, that the inevitable army of dolphin mounted space slugs is on our side.
• Speaking of Nasu, Dr. Naughtyberry was seen dragging away the representative for some amount of time. This was the second Nasu that the good doc has been seen cavorting with.
• Baron Glow-Gun Gambler doesn’t play cards? The populace might demand he be renamed.
• Need a date? Be a hacker! When Seven-Less-One arrived to work with the hackers, it became apparent that the party hacker population were primarily lovely ladies. One party-goer was overheard saying he picked the wrong profession. Fellas looking for love might consider the secure arts. It’s a number game boys, get to hacking!
• A certain silicate playmate has been rumored to have attained the knowledge of the choral arts. People should be wary when asking him to sing them a song.
• Seeker should be checked by genetic specialists. His evil beard has authorities worried he might be his own evil twin.
• Lyre might soon be wanted for murder. She was heard to say, "I am trying to decide if I just need to stab everyone."
• The men of the cloth seemed relaxed at this shindig. The Empire's spiritual leaders were seen cracking smiles and even unbuttoning some of their collars. Could this spell the collapse of the Imperial Faith?
• Snickersnac is a problem solving specialist. The phrase “Tell Snickersnac about it, that will solve it” was uttered more than once over the course of the evening. If you are looking for a solution, look no further than Snickersnac Solutions, LLC.

Grist Town: Your gate. Your town. Your tawdry details.

By TalkLoud, FNF staff gossip columnist

Imperial aid to Taranis: Act of Good Will or Act of Lust?

By now we have all heard of the exciting events of the previous week. A speeding battle train with an atomic payload crashed into the gate in Taranis, only to…not detonate. This is, of course, after a pitched battle at the first node out from the planet, in which the so-called Army of the Covenant (rebranded after realizing that the name Army of the Scourge just wasn’t getting them invited to the classier parties) helped route the retreating Szgany forces. How was this army able to be deployed in such a timely manner? Why, it was the work of the Champions of the Covenant! The real question is why were these champions so involved in the defense of Taranis? Is it as it seems? Is it simply a case of the Imperial Champions defending the homes of the Fringers they call friends? Is it the work of the Empire to show good faith to King Rama or is it something less benevolent? Did the Imperial Champions send their forces simply because they wanted to keep being allowed to make sweet, sweet love to their Fringer women?

Word on the street is that there is tension amongst the Champions when it comes to what aid should be given, with those with “close ties” to Fringer women crowing for full support whenever and wherever. One of the female champions has been linked with a certain cold-shouldered Kshathran. This same Kshathran has been seen in the company of one of the Fringer women with “close ties” to another one of the Champions, and is maybe idolized by at least one more of them. Other Fringer women have been heard to swoon over the stolid man of the cloth who is the spiritual leader of the Champions. Will he give into their crushes? It’s difficult to say one way or the other.

Those urging more thought are met with the aggression that stems from potential nights spent on the couch. One has to wonder of the intentions of the Imperial Champions. Their deeds might not be as pure as they first seem. They might simply be trying to protect their way of life…if you know what I mean. Still, it’s not like you can fault the Imperial men. I’ve seen the Fringer women. I’m fairly certain that the striped socks are an experimental form of kinetic mind control. For the ladies, who wouldn’t want a hulking, powerful silicate playmate?

The Middian Black Widow

You’ve all seen her. She’s always there. She’s in the shadows, stalking her pray, waiting for her moment to strike. She studies her prey, learning their weaknesses, the way to approach them without making them nervous, while still trying to provoke responses. The subtle allure she exudes as she waits for her moment to strike. She’s a certain Meurlain photojournalist.

Let’s look at the facts. Not much is known about this photog. She claims to be a photojournalist, a perfect cover for a deadly killer. She always has an excuse to try and learn more about her victims before she strikes. She has recently been seen cozying up to a certain “sword and wolf” Baron, a glowing gun-slinging Baron, and an agent of the Tulku Council with some dance-hall drawers. All three are men of potential import in their respective areas. Coincidence? This reporter doesn’t think so.

By all accounts, The Widow stunned the gathered masses with her glamorous outfit and looks during Baron Sword-and-Wolf’s Battle Day celebration. However, she then proceeded to maintain her glamorous outfit through the course of the rest of the evening, including a fight against the forces of Sorrow. During the course of the evening, one brave adventurer was heard to opine, “I like socks”, while dreamily looking at the Middian Black Widow.

Her strands have been cast wide, slowly drawing the men of Gate Town into her nefarious web of desire.

What will she do once she has all of the men under her sway? Only time will tell…

Gossip Scraps:

• “Silver Alloy”, of Insane Ideas, LLC., has become obsessed with something he calls the “Fertile Void”. Is the madness of the Epherium becoming too much for the skilled Web Guide?
• Tulku Council playboy? A certain agent of the Tulku has been seen in the company of several lovely Meurlain ladies recently. After a “private” excursion with The Widow to Ushas, the agent was spending a lot of his time planet-side with The Lady of the Argent Fire. He claims this was in the name of science, but the Yazatas claim that about everything.
• Fears of a Cyborg Plague have reached Middian. A cyborg man was seen spewing blood near as he looked for Baron Sword-and-Wolf. Witnesses say he was a cyborg and was under the effects of a deadly sickness that only affects the technologically enhanced. Others say that he was expressing a mutation, and that his body was at war with itself. The body was whisked away before too many questions could be answered.
• Yazatas using “hammock diplomacy”? One Yazata has become something of a local celebrity for her use of a hammock as place to sleep. She is now renting out the hammocks to others as they are becoming more and more popular. As a result, she has become more trusted and respected in the Gate Town community. This, of course, leads to the question, what are they laced with?
• The lack of any Zealanders being seen on Zealand has led many to speculate that the Zealanders are masters of invisibility and are way more sophisticated than first thought. After a silent alarm was tripped, a horde of tamed dragon wolves were dispatched to dispose of the “miracle crops” grown on the weapons platform. Rumors persist that some received visions of a dark and terrible woman whispering “Nothing shall remain for the interlopers”. These seers could not be reached for comment following the successful defense of the crops.
• The shores of Zealand played host to a beautiful and private ceremony wedding the fearsome gladiator Sharkzor and the powerful psion Displays-His-Abs. Those that were in attendance say the ceremony was presided over by a certain Yazata doctor, and that the vows exchanged were intense and private. No one is sure which party provided the dowry.
• Further rumors have the Empathic Cyborg Web Guide having a cybernetic camera installed in his ocular cavity. He has reportedly signed a deal with an undisclosed corp. to air a Middian Reality Vid. His disappearing for hours at a time begins to make much more sense.
• Beachgoers have been heard relating a story that is difficult to swallow. They claim that the Zealand beach was attacked by shark creatures that spewed flame, and that they were not only quelled by the Mistress of Fire, but that afterwards she tamed the shark-beasts and is in the process of teaching them to be her aquatic means of conveyance.

MEURLAIN CONTROL OF IMPERIAL STOCK MARKET EXPOSED!

By Edgar Nyse, guest columnist

In my short life I had thought I had seen it all. I was a believer that the stock market finds the best price of a stock pending all of the information that is presently known. Now I stand in disgust after listening to Juras Huron explain how he, and many other hedge fund operators, move the market on a daily basis. However What I found most interesting is how he made it so clear that the talking heads on financial vids and web burst transmissions are in bed with Meurlain hedge fund managers. I have always questioned some of the Meurlain who sit and talk the market up and down on a near daily basis but until now, I did not understand the reason. But when you hear it from Juras’ mouth that hedge fund managers literally call up the Meurlain to show them some evidence of a market movement that the Meurlain himself has created - that was the final straw.

As can be seen by the most recent brain scans of the typical Imperial Hedge Fund Manager (subjects name anonymous to protect source) the frontal cortex and impulse areas have been affected by chemicals responding directly neuron dampening chemicals.

What does this all mean? First a brief explanation on Corporations and Hedge Funds. Sociologist, author, and financial journalist Alfred W. Kree is credited with the creation of the first hedge fund approximately 120 years ago. Kree believed that changes in asset prices can be attributed partly to factors specific to the asset in question and partly to trends in the market as a whole. To neutralize the effect of overall market movement, he balanced his portfolio by buying assets whose price he expected to increase in the future, relative to the overall performance of the market, and selling short assets whose price he expected to decrease. He saw that price movements due to the overall market would balance out because, if the overall market rose, the loss on shorted assets would be cancelled by the additional gain on longed assets and vice-versa. By taking this approach his investment strategy was market neutral, as returns depended only on him picking the right stock, not on whether the stock market went up or down. Kree referred to his fund as being "hedged" to describe how the fund managed risk exposure from overall market movement. This type of portfolio became known as a hedge fund.

This translated to a large group of private investors from the major houses investing money in their own and other house corporations. This was seen as a good thing since this should have stimulated all the houses to ensure the success of all houses. What occurred shortly after, was the understanding that in selling high amounts of another corporation’s stocks could cause a ripple effect that would weaken the stock price of a corporation. The innate greed of most high level House investors has off set this, even in times of inter-house feuding. But a survey of past investments shows an abnormal amount of good grace among Hedge Fund managers.

The truth has finally been revealed, with each house having a cadre of Meurlain in their “employee” the role of the guide becomes blurred. It has been proven that Meurlain have used mental psionic as well as hypno-therapy and outright drug control methods to influence these hedge fund managers, thus controlling the stock prices, and thus controlling the corporations. As you can see from the analysis below, even with overall movement in the market, all trends remain within stabilized forecasts, a virtual impossibility without outside manipulation. It is no wonder the Meurlain need no standing army, they have the entire Imperial Banking and Commerce system in the palm of their hands (or test tubes).

Symbol	Last Close	Volume	Engine Rating	Momentum (%)	Momentum Ranking	Multi-Year Forecast (%)
WMDTC	73.34	893,721,398	4	22.31	3	3.45
BLKSTR	82.22	8,789,473	3	31.111	1	2.42
SKVW	32.64	497,324,987	2	8.71	5	-1.98
IMPWAN	10.33	939,847,293	2	-10.75	8	5.48
JNTCHI	65.77	37,472,975	4	6.54	6	1.22
BLULIT	98.76	4,897,398	3	28.91	2	9.75
HALOID	34.26	784,972,399	4	-2.441	7	2.05
HRNARM	72.90	7,329,339	3	18.769	4	8.91

How long have the Murelain held such a tight control over the finances of the Imperium? What have they been doing with these funds? How long will this control continue? How dependent are the Imperials on these psionic drugs?

These are questions beyond the scope of this article. One thing is certain, no one has seen the end of this.